The piece that does not fit
by Gibbersnap
Summary: Why it never really worked between Remus and Sirius.


Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.

Warning: This does contain vague Remus/Sirius love. Nothing specific, but it's there.

**Author's Note:** I have not forgotten Sleepless Nightmares or the other story that my profile was updated to promise. They're coming, but I can only (sometimes) write what I happen to be in the mood for.

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**The piece that does not fit**

There were reasons, of course, why it never really worked.

It wasn't a lack of love. No; each would have flung themselves from the castle towers if only it benefited the other.

Nor was it a lack of chemistry between the two, for the passion was real, the care was real, _they_ were real, always there, warm and solid and committed.

No...

It was the way Sirius' eyes would follow girls across the Hall, the way he'd jump and grin when Remus touched him, repeated a question, spoke sharply: the quick, witty comments, the laughter, and the guilt hidden beneath.

It was the way Sirius could admire, flirt with, lust after other people when Remus had eyes for him alone.

Remus never knew how to feel, and it was this, too: it was the way some days, he could have soared over the lake without a broomstick, and some days...

He often wondered whether Sirius' body was only on rent to him, whether moans and mumbles had anything to do with love. Was it purely stimulation, carnal pleasure? Did he feel the same electric rush Remus did when they brushed together?

For Remus it was anything, from the accidental touch of a fingertip to wild, reckless embraces, kisses. Anything at all could make his skin prickle and yearn toward Sirius', easily make him drop everything to throw himself at the object of his affections.

For one, it was a lifetime. For another, merely the time of day.

_Anything for friends,_ they'd said. _To death and back._ Some days, Remus couldn't help wondering if this, what they had, was only Sirius' way of upholding it for him.

He stood in uncertainty, emotions tugging at him left and right like gusts of wind. Because he loved Sirius, he couldn't stand to keep him in unhappiness. Because he loved Sirius, it would break him to lose their relationship.

It was the way Remus knew: Sirius would avoid hurting him at all costs, no matter what he himself had to endure.

They were both careful. Anyone could see what was happening, and they devoted themselves to ignoring it, skirting around the edges of the unavoidable with a smile. If we don't let it happen, perhaps it won't.

It was the way, after Christmas break, he'd want to fling himself at Sirius and he'd refrain. Instead, he watched the light in Sirius' eyes, animatedly describing the good times he'd had, the brilliant move that won his game of Quidditch, James' maneuver that had "saved their silly and very handsome asses a whipping."

Through this Remus would nod, smile, laugh as appropriate and wait. Wonder. When might Sirius fail to stop in mid-word, face falling to obvious guilt, and embrace Remus, kiss him passionately, whisper a thousand times, "I missed you"? When would he return and forget what they'd had entirely?

It felt as though their time was slipping away, as though heaven had sent him a glorious time, completed his wish, and was now tugging it gently from him. It felt as though the same forces were telling him softly, patiently, everything would be fine, but Remus knew.

As long as he loved Sirius, nothing would be right. There was a piece to their joint puzzle that didn't fit. It could not be pressed in, tied down and kept there. It fell to him, Remus: find courage. Let him go, for he'll never be truly be happy.

There were reasons why it never really worked.

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**Author's Note: If you're interested in reviewing with criticism, I'd greatly appreciate it. A few small things on which I'd like opinions:**

-I've been trying to use names (Remus and Sirius) and pronouns (he, him, his) instead of "the werewolf," the animagus," etc. Does that distract from or harm the flow of the story?

-Am I clearly making different points of angst, or simply repeating the same few?

-Does my circular ending (partial repetition of the first line at the end) make sense/fit? It feels awkward to me.

Because I'm trying to improve, I hope you'll answer a couple of those with honesty. I promise not to throw a fit. ^_^


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